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:iconpiercingtheheavens:
You use a lot, and I mean A LOT, of white space lines xD I understand you want to re-align the focus but to the end it kinda gets irritating. You have an excellent feeling to add details, some writers just dont detail their stories, others detail it to the endless. But you always add just enough detail to make it intruiging but less enough so i doesn't get boring to read. All your names are awesome as well (although I think Ever Rose is a wee bti cliché) and it is clear you made this world up which makes it even more awesome. I am looking forward to chapter 2 ^^
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:iconcherrifae:
cherrifae Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the nice feed back!

In a book it will just be paragraphs and not spaces, but I see your point on too much of it.

I totally did make this world up. :D

I will post Chapter two as soon as I fix a few things.
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:iconpiercingtheheavens:
PiercingTheHeavens Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
yay !
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